When I was 23 and somewhat desperate for work I applied for a shitty bar job at the Hog’s Head Pub, located in the tourist gold mine that is London’s Leicester Square. In order to prove myself, for the shitty bar job, I had to work an 8 hour trial shift for free – no money. The following morning after staying awake all night praying I get the shitty bar job I received a phone call:
Me (Neil): Hello, this is Neil
Shitty bar job man: Hello Neil. I’m calling you from the Hog’s Head Pub about your trial shift last night
Me: oh yes?
Shitty bar job man: I’m afraid we can’t offer you a job at this time, YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH SPARKLE.
This phone conversation effected me for the rest of my life; not enough sparkle to work in a shitty bar job. I guess having ‘sparkle’ has never come naturally for me, things tend to go wrong in my life…a lot.
When I was a child, for some reason, I always asked for a new board game for Christmas. After excitedly unwrapping the board game, putting on the stickers, reading the instructions, setting it up, I’d remember I had no brothers, sisters or friends to play with. The one time I did manage to persuade my dad to play the board game Cluedo with me, we played for 4 hours before realising we’d forgotten to put a Murderer, Weapon and Location card in the black holder at the start. Things just seem to go wrong.
Now aged 32, I’ve recently been struggling to get work and fear I may have to apply for another shitty bar job. The problem Is I’m still not sure I’ve found my sparkle, whatever that is, and may kill myself in an unnecessarily horrific manner if I get a repeat of the phone call when I was 23.
AND, SO, HERE BEGINS MY QUEST TO FIND MY SPARKLE.
I recently watched a film from 1971 called Harold and Maude. In the film a young man in his 20’s has a love affair with a 79 year old woman (bit weird). Maude, the old woman, a former prisoner of war in a Nazis concentration camp, always does something she’s never done before for each day of her life. This film inspired me to do the same – I don’t mean sleep with a 79 year old woman, I mean do something I’ve never done before every day, although I’ve never slept with a 79 year old woman so technically that would count.
So I start Day One of a year long game of I Have Never by writing a blog, something I’ve never done. Things always go wrong. The computer crashed several times and this has taken me hours. I’m very close to wanging this computer out the window and jumping up and down on it’s electronic innards. Having never written a blog, or in fact done much writing, I have no idea how long this is meant to be or indeed if it’s of any interest to anyone. I guess I don’t mind if anybody reads it or not, because by publishing it daily I’m forced to continue my quest to find the holy grail of being sparkly. However if you have read this far and are vaguely interested, I MAY NEED YOUR HELP.
If you feel like suggesting something new I could do, then I’ll try my best to do it. I have 364 more days to fill, actually shit that’s quite a lot. It can be anything, within reason. Perhaps something you’ve never done, then I can try it for you and let you know whether to bother or not. I’m hoping to really go on an adventure, to seize life, to stop being an awkward bumbling English man with not enough sparkle to get a shitty bar job, but most importantly to write a blog that’s more interesting than just writing about writing a blog.
P.S. The Hog’s Head Pub in Leicester Square no longer exists – jokes on you Shitty McShitty shitty bar job Man!