I’ve never been good at chatting up women, in my head I think I’m really good, but the reality is I’m rubbish.
I was in a pub, once again panicking for a new daily task as time was rapidly passing, when a friend asked if I’d ever approached a stranger to ask for their phone number. When I said no my friend reacted like he was The Fonz from Happy Days, claiming he gets numbers all the time and couldn’t believe I’d never done it. I had no way of telling if he was talking nonsense, I imagined he was, but I certainly knew I’d never been brave enough to do it.
I was quite nervous and also slightly concerned as the choice of women in the pub was very limited. They were three French girls, possibly on a foreign exchange scheme, who appeared a little too young to be in the bar. My French is below basic and also the fear of Operation Yew tree knocking on my door meant I left them alone. There were two attractive women, both with their boyfriends of course. There was my mate’s sister, which I was informed I couldn’t ask as that’d be cheating. And, around a table in the far corner, there were three girls who seemed to be on their own, clearly they’d have to be my ‘target’.
I kept finding excuses not to go over. I don’t know why I was so nervous, I have ‘chatted’ women up before – it’s a very British and slightly odd turn of phrase ‘chatted up’ – but I’ve never just approached a women in a bar and said something like “Hey Hot Lips, I like the cut of your jib, can I get your number?”, or whatever a true Casanova might say. I was unsure what was the worst that could happen to me, I guess only rejection, unless of course she was so repulsed by the idea she pulled out a ritual sword and committed ‘harry carry’ in the middle of the bar. Anyway I only had five minutes left so I went over, or rather I was dragged over by my friends
I started talking to one of the girls, I’ve forgotten her name already, in fact I forgot it at the time as I wasn’t really listening just thinking at some point, very soon, I’d have to say “Hey, it’s been real nice chatting to you, what’s your number? Perhaps we could meet up sometime, Vis-à-vis, you and me, one on one”, I kept thinking of the character David Brent from The Office and it was really putting me off.
She’d just finished doing a show in a theatre above the pub so we talked about that, which was easy, but I could never find a time to boldly state my flirtatious intentions. The more she talked and the more I wasn’t listening, the more time ticked past until inevitably midnight came and went – too late. The bar closed, I said goodbye and we parted and I was disappointed I never managed to utter the simple sentence “can I have your number?”
In conclusion: I certainly haven’t found my ‘sparkle’ yet, but I have got three hundred and twenty-eight days to go, so no panic.
P.S. I’ve completed the course of JIA WEI XIAO YAO WAN pills the Chinese Medicine man gave me. I haven’t noticed much difference, but I have felt quite lethargic recently and my wee has gone a funny colour. I probably wouldn’t recommend them.